in the beginning of may we were happy and pregnant with a boy, but by the beginning of june we were devastated, pregnant with a sick boy and now missing one parent. we found out conner's heart never grew properly on may 26th, my mom's birthday, and then one week and one day later on june 3rd she died. conner continued to grow inside of me and his movements became stronger and stronger. he came into this world on august 22nd, one month earlier than predicted. he was still kicking when he was born and he was big. he weighed 6 lbs 14 ounces and was 19 inches long. he only stayed with us for 5 hours. i remember every moment of his birth. i remember the days before hand when my labor started all on its own. i remember people telling me that it wasn't labor but it was just how it was going to be for the last month. i remember thinking that it couldn't be like this for a whole month. they were wrong. it was time. he was coming whether or not we were ready, but he took several days making his way into the world. i was exhausted and starving by the time he was born. i remember holding him, knowing that my time was very precious and unknown, seeing the nurse bringing in a tray of food and wanting it so badly because i hadn't eaten in days and feeling guilty about my hunger.
i remember his little sounds he made and how strong he was and how he really did try to fight to stay alive. i gave him a bath and he didn't like it so much. i tried to feed him but he wasn't interested in eating. i sang to him a song my mom used to sing to me. everyone who was there to meet him got to hold him and there were a lot of people there. he was most calm in gabe's arms. they seemed to get along perfectly.
i remember not being able to hold my head up because they gave me something for pain, but they told me it wouldn't make me drowsy. maybe it didn't, maybe i was just that tired. so i laid back on the bed with conner swaddled in his blankets, tucked in the nook of my arm. he was barely breathing at that point and i didn't want to miss any moment of his sweet life, but my eyes kept closing and i kept waking up abruptly as i tried to fight off this sleep. i guess i lost the fight because i remember waking up with conner in my arms but he was still and starting to feel cool. it was about an hour or so later on the clock that was hanging on the wall. gabe told me that i didn't miss anything, he assured me that i was awake when conner passed but i really don't know if that is true. maybe it is better that i wasn't. gabe said he held him for awhile and then put him back in my arms before i woke up.
twice i sat with a dying person this year. i held my mom's hand when she left this world, all of us surrounding her bed. she was so tired and it was quick. in many ways i think that prepared me for the death of my son. somehow made me stronger so that i could give him a good birth, a good life, and a good death. but i am ready to leave 2009. i really need 2010 to be a better year. a year with hope and light.
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