gone a little while

i started this blog in the winter months when i was trapped indoors during snowstorms. now that spring and summer have both arrived i am being somewhat neglectful. a lot has happened since the last post. got through some milestones in may. mother's day without my mom, mom's birthday without my mom, and then june 3rd her one year anniversary. these things hovered on the horizon for what seemed like a long time. now that one year is over it is somewhat bittersweet. the distance, i guess, ensures you that you did survive, but it also marks a point of no return. there are no more days that you can say, "this time last year i did this with my mom." that part makes me sad.

i still have my conner's birthday on august 22nd to get through. that will be hard. perhaps a little comfort can be found in knowing that i am carrying his little brother or sister inside me, but to some degree it renders guilt. there is, however, underneath it all joy. joy for another opportunity to bring life and hope that things work out differently this time. though this post may not reflect it, i am finally beginning to feel good again.