gone a little while

i started this blog in the winter months when i was trapped indoors during snowstorms. now that spring and summer have both arrived i am being somewhat neglectful. a lot has happened since the last post. got through some milestones in may. mother's day without my mom, mom's birthday without my mom, and then june 3rd her one year anniversary. these things hovered on the horizon for what seemed like a long time. now that one year is over it is somewhat bittersweet. the distance, i guess, ensures you that you did survive, but it also marks a point of no return. there are no more days that you can say, "this time last year i did this with my mom." that part makes me sad.

i still have my conner's birthday on august 22nd to get through. that will be hard. perhaps a little comfort can be found in knowing that i am carrying his little brother or sister inside me, but to some degree it renders guilt. there is, however, underneath it all joy. joy for another opportunity to bring life and hope that things work out differently this time. though this post may not reflect it, i am finally beginning to feel good again.

spring knocking on the door

you can almost feel it. the sun is in the sky longer in the evening and peeking through the blinds every morning when we rise. the warm winter coats are left hanging on their posts after months of supplying daily armor against the bitter cold. this winter has been one for the records. snow is still visible in small patches which were once small mountains surrounding our home. now we can hear the birds again instead of watching them quietly flit from bare bush to tree in snowstorms hoping that someone has scattered some seed for their benefit. now they sing, waking up the life lay dormant in winter months and it can be sensed that something is about to happen. most importantly there is hope hanging in the earthy air. hope that friendlier days are near. i am convinced it renews us, making us ready to face the day.

thinking back

when i remember my childhood i remember if fondly. growing up out in the country where the summers were sweet and peaceful. my parents rarely argued in front of us and life was truly blissful. we were never without anything but more so we were never without their love or their attention. my parents were both in their 30s when they had me, their first born, and perhaps that allowed them to be better parents because they were old enough to realize who they were and what they valued, and where their true priorities lay. whatever the reason, they were amazing parents. they truly put us before themselves and they did so without regret.

perhaps such a childhood spoils a person because the real world is not so sweet. the real world is full of competition, some healthy, some deceitful. the real world rarely gives you anything for free without strings somewhere attached. i think such a childhood makes you more prepared to be the kindness the real world so often conceals. to be the light for someone even if it is in a small way. i know how i feel about the people in my life and the lengths i will go for them, expecting nothing in return. that is something i learned from my parents, however they were and are much better people than me.

i think it is a parent's duty to make their child's early life sweet and blissful because it is so easy of a task to complete. children are so easily satisfied. they hunger mainly the love and attention of their parents. i am not suggesting that they should be smothered with attention, but rather reminded of their importance in little ways; told they are loved everyday.

some might think that such a childhood would rear weaker children, but i don't think so. building up someone's confidence would hardly lead to a weaker personality. too often people choose to tear someone down instead of build them up. such behavior makes the person feel more powerful when really he is trying to hide is his own insecurities.

when i remember my childhood it gives me guidance for the type of parent i one day hope to be. it inspires me to build people up.