let's try this again

so i failed miserably at this blog. it wasn't because i didn't care. i don't know what the reason is. so much has changed since i last wrote and that perhaps provides some insight. our daughter adelaine was born in january 2011. from that point on i have spent every moment, minus a few hours here and there, living and breathing motherhood. i could lie and say that every moment is amazing and i cherished it all, but i am not a good liar so i don't do it. it has been a hellish first year.

in the beginning i was crippled with guilt about not loving every moment. i loved, and do love, our daughter but she was the most difficult infant i have ever met. there was nothing wrong with her medically. she didn't have colic. she didn't have her days and nights confused. she simply was "high needs" which is code/pc for what my grandmothers would have called a bad baby. the only things that made her happy were me, bob marley, and me. so we listened to a lot of loud reggae with her attached to me in a moby and then an ergo as she grew. that time seemed to last forever. people were constantly giving me these arbitrary time frames for when she would finally settle down and be "happy." they all came and went without any real changes. for every step forward we metaphorically took, we took three steps back a week later. it was so discouraging and overwhelming. it was overwhelming because i was the only answer for her. people tried to help out, not believing me initially that she was really tough to handle. every time when i would go to get her or return back to my home they would look at me with this wide-eyed "holy sh*t" look. so i knew it wasn't just me failing to adjust or exaggerating how demanding she was. needless to say, that wasn't exactly comforting.

BUT, i made it!!!!! she is now 13 months old and still demanding, but extremely social and happy and loving. we saw a tremendous change in her personality as soon as she was able to sit up and move around more on her own. she still stalks me single-white female style but it isn't so overwhelming anymore. there are definitely days where i feel like i am drowning but those are more to do with me and my reactions and less to do with her intensity.

SO- why rehash all of these negative memories tainting the preferred pure imagery associated with new motherhood??? because maybe some new mom somewhere will read this and think "thank god i am not the only one."

i hate that people always refer to any emotional behavior after a woman births a baby as "postpartum depression." certainly it is a real thing and many women suffer, most of them silently, with it. BUT, keep in mind ladies sleep deprivation will make you emotionally unstable. that is why it is used as a form of torture. it does not mean that you are necessarily depressed. it simply means that you are not getting enough uninterrupted sleep. the easy solution would be to sleep more, right? HA!!!!!! and therein lies the cruel truth. sleep will evade you unless you have a partner who is taking turns waking in the nights to care for the little one, but if you are a nursing mama, you are fielding all of the nighttime duties yourself. many nights i would be sitting up in bed nursing "cujo" as i loving referred to her, and my head would be snapping back and hitting the wall waking me up. then it would flop forward startling me from slumber again. then it happened. that glorious night where i finally gave in and slid down into the bed, cujo still latched on but cradled in my arm. i remember whispering to her, "mama just cannot sit up anymore. she just cannot do it." and with that i became a "bed-sharing, side-sleeping, nursing mama."

NEVER did i think i would do this. not because i really thought it was crazy or unusual or even bad per se, but because i was too terrified that i would roll over onto cujo. or my husband would fling his big man arms over onto her and smash her. for the first time in months i slept. and it was sweet, sweet, sweet uninterrupted sleep. cujo slept longer next to me and when she was hungry i could feel her rooting around and i simply helped her latch on and she suckled right back into dreamland and i was only awake long enough to position her and recheck her for a few moments that her face was free of blankets, etc. though, i felt for her little nose and mouth dozens of times throughout the night to make sure she was in no way blocked, i still was able to get good rest. FINALLY!!!!! and soon after that my sanity, patience, joy, and self reappeared. not everyday was perfect, but it was so much better.

it isn't for everyone, but it works for us. well at least with cujo. she still comes into our bed in the middle of the night for a bit but usually returns back to her own bed because she sleeps better there now.

BUT, the mornings that she is still in our bed when it is time to start the day are the best because the very first voice you hear is the sweetest one you will hear all day long and it says, "HI!!!!" it is the most darling, enthusiast "hi" ever uttered. of course, she says it about 8 times, in 8 different tones, but it is my favorite way to start the day.

gone a little while

i started this blog in the winter months when i was trapped indoors during snowstorms. now that spring and summer have both arrived i am being somewhat neglectful. a lot has happened since the last post. got through some milestones in may. mother's day without my mom, mom's birthday without my mom, and then june 3rd her one year anniversary. these things hovered on the horizon for what seemed like a long time. now that one year is over it is somewhat bittersweet. the distance, i guess, ensures you that you did survive, but it also marks a point of no return. there are no more days that you can say, "this time last year i did this with my mom." that part makes me sad.

i still have my conner's birthday on august 22nd to get through. that will be hard. perhaps a little comfort can be found in knowing that i am carrying his little brother or sister inside me, but to some degree it renders guilt. there is, however, underneath it all joy. joy for another opportunity to bring life and hope that things work out differently this time. though this post may not reflect it, i am finally beginning to feel good again.

spring knocking on the door

you can almost feel it. the sun is in the sky longer in the evening and peeking through the blinds every morning when we rise. the warm winter coats are left hanging on their posts after months of supplying daily armor against the bitter cold. this winter has been one for the records. snow is still visible in small patches which were once small mountains surrounding our home. now we can hear the birds again instead of watching them quietly flit from bare bush to tree in snowstorms hoping that someone has scattered some seed for their benefit. now they sing, waking up the life lay dormant in winter months and it can be sensed that something is about to happen. most importantly there is hope hanging in the earthy air. hope that friendlier days are near. i am convinced it renews us, making us ready to face the day.

thinking back

when i remember my childhood i remember if fondly. growing up out in the country where the summers were sweet and peaceful. my parents rarely argued in front of us and life was truly blissful. we were never without anything but more so we were never without their love or their attention. my parents were both in their 30s when they had me, their first born, and perhaps that allowed them to be better parents because they were old enough to realize who they were and what they valued, and where their true priorities lay. whatever the reason, they were amazing parents. they truly put us before themselves and they did so without regret.

perhaps such a childhood spoils a person because the real world is not so sweet. the real world is full of competition, some healthy, some deceitful. the real world rarely gives you anything for free without strings somewhere attached. i think such a childhood makes you more prepared to be the kindness the real world so often conceals. to be the light for someone even if it is in a small way. i know how i feel about the people in my life and the lengths i will go for them, expecting nothing in return. that is something i learned from my parents, however they were and are much better people than me.

i think it is a parent's duty to make their child's early life sweet and blissful because it is so easy of a task to complete. children are so easily satisfied. they hunger mainly the love and attention of their parents. i am not suggesting that they should be smothered with attention, but rather reminded of their importance in little ways; told they are loved everyday.

some might think that such a childhood would rear weaker children, but i don't think so. building up someone's confidence would hardly lead to a weaker personality. too often people choose to tear someone down instead of build them up. such behavior makes the person feel more powerful when really he is trying to hide is his own insecurities.

when i remember my childhood it gives me guidance for the type of parent i one day hope to be. it inspires me to build people up.

Mommy, Daddy and Conner

get out of here 2009

i have never been happier to see a year go then i am to say goodbye to 2009. this has been the worst year of my life and hopefully holds that record for the rest of it. it started out fine but went downhill fast and showed no mercy.

in the beginning of may we were happy and pregnant with a boy, but by the beginning of june we were devastated, pregnant with a sick boy and now missing one parent. we found out conner's heart never grew properly on may 26th, my mom's birthday, and then one week and one day later on june 3rd she died. conner continued to grow inside of me and his movements became stronger and stronger. he came into this world on august 22nd, one month earlier than predicted. he was still kicking when he was born and he was big. he weighed 6 lbs 14 ounces and was 19 inches long. he only stayed with us for 5 hours. i remember every moment of his birth. i remember the days before hand when my labor started all on its own. i remember people telling me that it wasn't labor but it was just how it was going to be for the last month. i remember thinking that it couldn't be like this for a whole month. they were wrong. it was time. he was coming whether or not we were ready, but he took several days making his way into the world. i was exhausted and starving by the time he was born. i remember holding him, knowing that my time was very precious and unknown, seeing the nurse bringing in a tray of food and wanting it so badly because i hadn't eaten in days and feeling guilty about my hunger.

i remember his little sounds he made and how strong he was and how he really did try to fight to stay alive. i gave him a bath and he didn't like it so much. i tried to feed him but he wasn't interested in eating. i sang to him a song my mom used to sing to me. everyone who was there to meet him got to hold him and there were a lot of people there. he was most calm in gabe's arms. they seemed to get along perfectly.

i remember not being able to hold my head up because they gave me something for pain, but they told me it wouldn't make me drowsy. maybe it didn't, maybe i was just that tired. so i laid back on the bed with conner swaddled in his blankets, tucked in the nook of my arm. he was barely breathing at that point and i didn't want to miss any moment of his sweet life, but my eyes kept closing and i kept waking up abruptly as i tried to fight off this sleep. i guess i lost the fight because i remember waking up with conner in my arms but he was still and starting to feel cool. it was about an hour or so later on the clock that was hanging on the wall. gabe told me that i didn't miss anything, he assured me that i was awake when conner passed but i really don't know if that is true. maybe it is better that i wasn't. gabe said he held him for awhile and then put him back in my arms before i woke up.

twice i sat with a dying person this year. i held my mom's hand when she left this world, all of us surrounding her bed. she was so tired and it was quick. in many ways i think that prepared me for the death of my son. somehow made me stronger so that i could give him a good birth, a good life, and a good death. but i am ready to leave 2009. i really need 2010 to be a better year. a year with hope and light.

i have an obsession when it comes to christmas trees. i am a bit of a perfectionist. i like things to be a certain way and i honestly cannot stop thinking about something until it is the way that i think it should be. yes, i fully understand that this trait borders on OCD or perhaps it is full blown OCD, but that isn't the point. i have certain criteria for picking out my christmas tree. i am 5'2. i should not be able to hang decorations on the top of my tree without having to stand on a chair. my second nonnegotiable characteristic of a tree is the bottom. i should not be able to see under my tree and should have to scoot on my belly under the tree to water it. also i prefer frasers to douglas fir. i think they are prettier and hold ornaments better.

in years past i have spent ridiculous amounts of money on trees and i hear about all year long from my husband. he loves to tell people how much i spent on our tree. and i always say, "it was a beautiful tree, wasn't?" and he agrees, but then says something like, "of course it was a beautiful tree, you paid $90 for it!" and then i feel foolish. foolish because it is silly to spend that much money on something that will die in a few weeks. i try to justify the price for the ambiance and joy it will provide for that amount of time and usually i can persuade myself. but this year we are calling it "our recession christmas." so i kept quietly reminding myself as i traveled from tree lot to tree farm to tree lot, that this year we must be conservative. in my head i kept repeating "recession christmas. this will be the year that you remember the recession christmas so it won't matter what the tree looks like." even with my mantra in mind i couldn't help but reject every tree the men at the lots held up for me. i would say, "no, its not big enough" or "no, its too fat" or simply, "uh, no." by the time we got to the third place my husband was over getting a christmas tree and i was feeling the pressure to choose one before he nixed the whole trip. and lets be honest, i need him to strap that puppy to the roof and cart it inside. i am an independent woman, but i already told you i like BIG trees.

under pressure, back to the first lot we go; the lot where the boy scouts were selling fraser trees for $40. i ran to the back of the lot where i had previously seen a tree that i "could" like and started yanking it out of the corner. my husband hurried over and told me to stop yanking it, i was going to rip branches off. he held it up and asked me, "is this the one?" i quickly responded yes and went to get the man to wrap it. when we got back in the truck with the tree strapped on top, i couldn't help but feel a sense of victory. i got my fraser tree that met my criteria for only $40. it was more expensive than what my husband had wanted to spend but after hearing the prices at the other lots he was satisfied with my choice.

there is one last step of the tree saga that i must endure every year- getting it into the stand. it will always go in the stand, that is not the issue. my yearly concern is how many branches will my husband butcher off the bottom. this year he really did her in. my once glorious, criteria-meeting tree is now, in my opinion, more of a potted plant than a christmas tree. mind you, no one else would think this but then again i am a christmas tree snob.