so i failed miserably at this blog. it wasn't because i didn't care. i don't know what the reason is. so much has changed since i last wrote and that perhaps provides some insight. our daughter adelaine was born in january 2011. from that point on i have spent every moment, minus a few hours here and there, living and breathing motherhood. i could lie and say that every moment is amazing and i cherished it all, but i am not a good liar so i don't do it. it has been a hellish first year.
in the beginning i was crippled with guilt about not loving every moment. i loved, and do love, our daughter but she was the most difficult infant i have ever met. there was nothing wrong with her medically. she didn't have colic. she didn't have her days and nights confused. she simply was "high needs" which is code/pc for what my grandmothers would have called a bad baby. the only things that made her happy were me, bob marley, and me. so we listened to a lot of loud reggae with her attached to me in a moby and then an ergo as she grew. that time seemed to last forever. people were constantly giving me these arbitrary time frames for when she would finally settle down and be "happy." they all came and went without any real changes. for every step forward we metaphorically took, we took three steps back a week later. it was so discouraging and overwhelming. it was overwhelming because i was the only answer for her. people tried to help out, not believing me initially that she was really tough to handle. every time when i would go to get her or return back to my home they would look at me with this wide-eyed "holy sh*t" look. so i knew it wasn't just me failing to adjust or exaggerating how demanding she was. needless to say, that wasn't exactly comforting.
BUT, i made it!!!!! she is now 13 months old and still demanding, but extremely social and happy and loving. we saw a tremendous change in her personality as soon as she was able to sit up and move around more on her own. she still stalks me single-white female style but it isn't so overwhelming anymore. there are definitely days where i feel like i am drowning but those are more to do with me and my reactions and less to do with her intensity.
SO- why rehash all of these negative memories tainting the preferred pure imagery associated with new motherhood??? because maybe some new mom somewhere will read this and think "thank god i am not the only one."
i hate that people always refer to any emotional behavior after a woman births a baby as "postpartum depression." certainly it is a real thing and many women suffer, most of them silently, with it. BUT, keep in mind ladies sleep deprivation will make you emotionally unstable. that is why it is used as a form of torture. it does not mean that you are necessarily depressed. it simply means that you are not getting enough uninterrupted sleep. the easy solution would be to sleep more, right? HA!!!!!! and therein lies the cruel truth. sleep will evade you unless you have a partner who is taking turns waking in the nights to care for the little one, but if you are a nursing mama, you are fielding all of the nighttime duties yourself. many nights i would be sitting up in bed nursing "cujo" as i loving referred to her, and my head would be snapping back and hitting the wall waking me up. then it would flop forward startling me from slumber again. then it happened. that glorious night where i finally gave in and slid down into the bed, cujo still latched on but cradled in my arm. i remember whispering to her, "mama just cannot sit up anymore. she just cannot do it." and with that i became a "bed-sharing, side-sleeping, nursing mama."
NEVER did i think i would do this. not because i really thought it was crazy or unusual or even bad per se, but because i was too terrified that i would roll over onto cujo. or my husband would fling his big man arms over onto her and smash her. for the first time in months i slept. and it was sweet, sweet, sweet uninterrupted sleep. cujo slept longer next to me and when she was hungry i could feel her rooting around and i simply helped her latch on and she suckled right back into dreamland and i was only awake long enough to position her and recheck her for a few moments that her face was free of blankets, etc. though, i felt for her little nose and mouth dozens of times throughout the night to make sure she was in no way blocked, i still was able to get good rest. FINALLY!!!!! and soon after that my sanity, patience, joy, and self reappeared. not everyday was perfect, but it was so much better.
it isn't for everyone, but it works for us. well at least with cujo. she still comes into our bed in the middle of the night for a bit but usually returns back to her own bed because she sleeps better there now.
BUT, the mornings that she is still in our bed when it is time to start the day are the best because the very first voice you hear is the sweetest one you will hear all day long and it says, "HI!!!!" it is the most darling, enthusiast "hi" ever uttered. of course, she says it about 8 times, in 8 different tones, but it is my favorite way to start the day.
